Yesterday was the anniversary of the death, suicide of one of my best friends when I was kid. I don't mean a Facebook friend kind of friend. I mean someone who felt like a brother to me. We grew up together. Lived very similar lives both good and bad. And the way I felt yesterday was a reminder of how much he meant to me.
As you may or may not know when you lose someone.
This wasn't on my mind, I don't really pay attention to these dates or anniversaries any more. Otherwise my calendar would resemble months filled with death and pain.
Yet Saturday night as I tried to call it an early night, I felt sad, alone, tired. I was thinking about my friend. I even posted some photos of him on Instagram for no real reason. I thought.
Yet when I woke up, good old Facebook memories.
Let me know why - it was that date - ten years.
Am I going to give you the answer to why we feel this way or how it happens?
How do we know? Why do we let it get to us?
What I am writing about is something similar, but equally as dark I guess.
I honestly can't remember where I came up with this idea or concept, but for the large part of ten years I would keep a lethal dose around. A lethal dose meaning if I took it, drank it etc. It would be game over. Being an out to any experience too bad.
In my mind I thought if anything get's to bad, overly hard. Boom. I guess the same concept as a gun. Except this would allow me to actually have a brief moment of thinking time to be certain that 'this was the best thing to do'.
Now that might sound insane, it probably is. But that is what I truly believed. It helped me overcome some very dark times, I would also use it during stressful ones. Now I don't mean actually use it or anything. I just mean knowing it was there.
This is what we do. We develop coping mechanisms, systems, rituals. To keep going, to deal with things. Until we waste our entire life, they don't work or maybe even like myself develop a life and mechanisms that aren't anywhere near as destructive or dark - in fact things kind of get good.
Once I had been doing this for some time. I realised I'd really managed to turn things around, in fact life was great. Not easy, but great.
Because the things we don't talk about, are basically everything I just talked about. And just like my friend, that only had one lethal dose, a bullet - we make a permanent decision for a temporary problem. Or problems.
I don't preach life is fun or easy all the time, or even most of the time.
I don't preach sobriety and military like discipline and structure.
I mean if you find something that works for you, awesome.
But like me, most mens coping mechanisms aren't that healthy.
Let alone want to be talked about, shared, so they can assess and change what they are doing.
That way it won't develop into a permanent measure to cope. Suicide.
No coming back from that.
Then like me, and all the other friends,
family I have lost.
I am the one that has to live with it.